Give My Bones To Billy Gibbons

Facebuster Nation, it was with great trepidation that we initially considered the much-vaunted "Celebrity Booking" angle on Monday Night RAW. Coming, as it did, from the mouth of the ever-dreadful Donald Trump, we reasonably assumed the worst. Clearly, this was another half-baked scheme from the back of th' McMahon Scheme Vaults to further dilute, bowdlerize, and otherwise cheapen the (dubious) purity of our beloved wrassle-wrassle. When Trump was (anticlimactically) fired at the end of the two-hour KFC commercial that was his tenure as RAW Owner, we were sure that saner heads had prevailed and the Celebrity Booker would be rightfully consigned that "Dustbin of History" we've all heard so much about.

Well, we were wrong, and we were wrong.

Now, I won't make any claims as to the quality of recent guest hopes (Dibiase kind of stank the joint up, and I missed the Seth Greene thing entirely), but this week... oh, man. ZZ FUCKING TOP?!?!?!?!

This should be one of the finest rock/wrestling crossovers since th' Three 6 Mafia handled announcing duties for Wrestling Society X.

For the doubters among you who are perhaps wondering why someone with my admittedly impeccable indie/punk credentials is getting all giddy over the bearded grandpas who wrote "Burger Man", please refer to the clip above: "Letter To ZZ Top" performed by the incomparable US Maple. Please note the lineage: ZZ Top plus Freddie Blassie plus Beefheart begets US Maple. ZZ Top plus Lester Bangs begets the entire city of Austin. And ZZ Top Plus RAW equals me getting wrecked on cheap lager and blasting "Tres Hombres" while watching RAW with the sound off.

I'll let you all know how that works out for me.

Bob Giegel: Reprimand This

Submitted for yr consideration in this week's installment of Random Great American Bash clip Friday, the origins of Magnum T.A.'s feud and best of seven series for the NWA U.S. Title against "The Russian Nightmare" Nikita Koloff during the 1986, 14 city installment of the Bash.

A few observations and opinions from the proverbial bloody pulpit:

:10 -- Don't let David Crockett and Tony's Schiavone's matching cream blazers distract you, for David is explaining the incident that led up to the face to face meeting between soon to be stripped US Heavyweight Champion Magnum TA and NWA President Bob Giegel (think Jack Tunney but with 50% more competence and the ability to be filmed in a non-seated manner during his proclamation making, decree ordering, and reprimand issuing segments), namely an altercation at a contract signing between TA and Koloff that ended up with Magnum attacking and eventually getting his ass kicked by Nikita and uncle Ivan after they insulted Magnum's sweet ol' mother.

:40 -- Who is that dweeb in the tuxedo? And is it just me, or is that a really teeny bow tie? Or an impressively strapping cumberbund?

1:00 -- Giegel demonstrates the poise, decisiveness, and gravitas required of the NWA's highest officeholder by reading briskly through a prepared statement.

1:12 -- Magnum T.A. can act circles around Magnum P.I./Tom Selleck.

1:58 -- Reprimand This (Wham!): Magnum's Revenge. Bob Geigel gets his comeuppance for acquiescing to Soviet aggression. Truly a cathartic moment for motor cycle ridin', blue jeans and cowboy boots wearin', mulleted, patriotic righteous white trash everywhere.

2:45 -- Oh, snap. Reprimand That: Giegel's Revenge.

2:51 -- David Crockett's insufferable elated friskiness has been replaced with a sense of idyllic forlornness.

3:25 -- In this correspondent's expert opinion, Nikita's Russian accent is about 85% less authentic and credible than Korchenko's.

3:52 -- A Jim Crockett, Jr. sighting!! So dynamic. So hungover looking. Please also file this segment under the "Yr Old Skool Promoter of the Week" series.

4:30 -- Ivan Koloff is outraged with Crockett's edict and kills time ranting and raving about nothing of particular significance.

5:05 -- And we're out. To paraphrase the most compressed mustache in the history of our sport, see you next week, FANS!

Coming to PDX...The 3rd Annual AFSC&FC

Facebuster nation, in deference to our country's current economic malaise that -- depending upon the economic indicators and/or the political persuasion/economic orientation of the pundits given credence -- we are either starting to turn the corner on or has no foreseeable end in sight, Arabian Facebuster has decided to dramatically scale back this year's 3rd Annual Staff Conference and Fan Conclave, August 13-15 in vivacious Portland, OR.

That means no guaranteed block of rooms at the Shilo Inn, Portland Airport. No splurging for Macanudo's or non mass produced, non specially lined canned beers. No choice of a complimentary koozie, gunny sack, or jizz rag for those early registrants. No keynote address by George "The Animal" Steele. No evening entertainment from the likes of Kamala, Glenn Goza, or Buck "Rock & Roll" Zumhofe and the bluesy riffage of his band The Buck "Rock & Roll" Zumhofe Experience. No cameo appearance by or even rebuffing phone call from The Undertaker. And most certainly no round the clock intravenous booze drip for Larry Nelson.

So what do we have? Camaraderie. The 1986 Great American Bash featuring an insomnia curing hair vs. hair match between Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant and Shaska Whatley on video cassette. The hazy memories from staff conferences and fan conclaves past to reminisce over hazily. Closely related, a couple of half-racks of Inversion IPA procured from the Rite Aid just off Lombard St. Oh, and a Hogan Family Death Pool.

You heard me, a Hogan Family Death Pool.

Much like other non-rasslin' related celebrity death pools that our staff participates in with reckless abandon and unbridled enthusiasm, we will draw a name out a Hogan family member out a hat, specifically, my blue mesh Schmidt's Beer hat which Rev. Von. Fury so graciously purchased for me during the 2 and 1/2 Annual AFSC&FC. The name you draw is your death pool entrant. There are four of us and four of them, so the math works out splendidly.

We are also awarding honorary Hogan Family Death Pool participatory status to Bunny Bissoux. She will be assigned Linda Hogan's boy toy Charlie Hill (for the sake of parity at the outset of this endeavor, I sure hope that isn't tetraethyl pyrophosphate in lil' Charlie's glass).

The winner is the Facebuster editor whose designated Hogan family member croaks first. Along with the sense of accomplishment and delight that comes with a death pool victory, he/she will also be required to compose a brief obituary and/or eulogy.

This is going to be fun!!!

Update: We're the #1 Google result for the query "Hogan Family Death Pool."

Yr Old Skool Tag Team of the Week

Perennial American Wrestling Association tag team champions Da Crusher and Dick The Bruiser.

Random Great American Bash Clip Friday Continues!

Here at Arabian Facebuster, we've done our darnedest to chronicle the various dastardly exploits of the contingent of Soviet grapplers that seemingly came in droves to this country's polluted and eroded shores in the mid-1980s. From Soldat Ustinov's Pearl Harbor job on Baron Von Raschke's reflective noggin and enviousness of the Baron's army surplus store (or alternatively, northwoods country motif) chic blazer, to Korchenko's minty minty grievances with the concept of televised professional rasslin' and in turn the obligations required of him, to Ivan Koloff's penchant for bashing his cranium into a bloody pulp via his own Russian chain.

It's time to add the Ric Flair-Nikita Koloff enmity from the Summer of 1985 -- which featured an epic confrontation for the NWA World Title at the inaugural Great American Bash in Flair's hometown of Charlotte, NC -- to the list. While the embedded video does a sufficient job explaining the back story of this feud, permit me to yammer on for a bit. Flair was a bit of tweener in 1985 (I'm not sure if that's because he being challenged and attacked by a Soviet heel or because of reasons/circumstances prior to this feud) while Koloff was a powerful, athletically gifted, volatile, ruthless, ambitious, seemingly unstoppable rookie monster under the tutelage of his uncle Ivan Koloff.

Highlights of this segment, which I believe was culled from Pro Wrestling Illustrated's (PWI) heavily clipped "Ringmasters: Great American Bash" video tape (made available for both VHS and BETA systems) include:
(1) Nikita gearing up for his match by practicing his Russian Sickle on an 8'X10' glossy of Ric Flair in a dapper three piece suit!;
(2) David Crockett taking a particularly viscous looking Sickle;
(3) Flair street fighting Nikita in a pair of Dockers;
(4) Bill Apter's ignorance in equating the concept of diplomacy with two guys climbing into a rasslin' ring to beat the holy hell out of each other;
(5) Playing a Steve Albini produced/recorded demo of Fugazi's "Cassavetes" at exactly the 2 minute mark of this clip to accompany the match montage instead of the preselected/default soundtrack.

Triple H's Brush with Greatness

In a similar vein as "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's chance encounter with the penguin attired cabin fatty Casanova Larry Nelson and his bloated liver, Arabian Facebuster is proud to present Hunter Hearst Helmsley's 1995 World Wrestling Federation debut. Allow me to state the (painfully) obvious: the eventually to be rebranded The Game's physique back then was more akin to Shawn Michaels' or Randy Orton's than his current Ole Anderson juiced to gills look/Lex Luger with 33% more rasslin' talent, 65% better conditioned follicles, and 18% more motivation shtick.

And who prey tell is that pale skinned, clumsily postured, pedophile 'stached opponent full of spunk, fortitude, about 15 or so Perocets, and proud owner of a 1984 Ford Econoline conversion/rape van with a glove box replete with spermicidal lube and angel dust?

Yup, it's none other than Buck "Rock and/or Roll" Zumhoffe. Um..yes, that Buck "Rock and/or Roll" Zumhoffe.

News flash: Not unlike Rocky Mountain Thunder and anyone that dared try and impede this shoeless wunderkind's meteoric rise to the pinnacle of the venerated American Wrestling Association, these two didn't exactly mesh well together in the ring.

Yr Old Skool Tag Team of the Week

Gene and Ole Anderson, wearing the NWA (Mid Atlantic) Tag Team Titles.

BREAKING NEWS: Hot Rod Parked

TMZ reports that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper was arrested in Hollywood early this morning for DUI...or was it DWI? In either case, Hot Rod was taken into custody, booked, and presumably has already posted bail and is back out on the streets, getting ready to go on the bender of a lifetime as a way of putting this huge personal failure and harassment behind him.

It's called healthy coping skills.